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Gratitude for abuse - inflicted and self-imposed

Imagine you’ve been stressing for months about figuring out a better plan than the one you lived last year, or perhaps the previous 30 years, so you pivot and conclude you go back to the old plan that has worked but sent you burnout to Mexico. As a consequence of high stress, living in third-world countries for the past 5 months, and perhaps the microplastics from your bottled drinking water, your hormones get out of whack. Let alone seeing the Botox fade, friends come and go, and your anxiety is making you lose your sleep and gain more weight. Then there’s the fucking loneliness…. Isn’t it ironic how ever-present it is? It won’t ever leave you when you’re on your own! And so you shove down your horniness with more food and less exercise, as that seems to be the appetizing recipe for staying alone, self-deprecating, and miserable while reminiscing about all the failed attempts at relationships in the past year. Your hormones start raging even wilder!  So, one sober day, because you dra
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How I silenced the inner critic.

I bumped into a male witch, an Argentinian Brujo. He told me I was very empathetic, yet I overthink. He suggested I should go have fun and let go. I heeded his advice; after all, I had a feeling I'd been stuck in my head for the last 3 weeks. The last time I LET LOOSE WAS A MONTH AGO AT Anarchapulco.  I went to the EKKO hostal to meet J. and the local guests. And I actually ate food with them so late that night! That is huge for me. And I drank some wine... I don't know why alcohol is associated with fun and letting go, but in my case, it worked. True, I'd like to have fun without it one day, but for now... I don't know what healthier option acts like a social lubricant. Primarily, I had to cease the internal pressure to achieve something. The only way to stop that was to call upon Jesus... and he delivered; he caused the mind-shift I needed and helped me relax. I am truly lucky and blessed. I needed to stop the train of nagging that I should be somewhere else, do somet
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Am I an anxious avoidant or just anxious in love?

This audiobook  Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is everything I was looking for these past 18 years of dating. When you thought that you had an avoidant attachment style, only to learn it was predominantly anxious all along. I must have known what a furnace I'd unleash, so I dodged relationships for fear of being triggered into my edgy ways once I got attached. But attachment is not supposed to be a bad thing. We are humans; we're wired to want to depend on one another and live interdependently. Nobody wants to have anxiety in relationships. Being insecure also manifests as keeping love at a distance and needing space to be oneself because the true self might be too much for the other person. Yes, both avoidant and anxious styles are anything but secure. So that's me, an insecure woman with a disorganized attachment style. All the protest behavior—threatening to leave and playing hot a
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My Tepoztlan routine

I settled in Tepoztlan, Pueblo Magico in Morelos, Mexico. I absolutely love it here.  Why? Because I am close to the mountains, there is something grounding and majestic about looking up at the Montaňas. I've stumbled upon some archaeological places here conveying ancient magic that I still cannot understand.  I'm here to reset my nervous system. It's been a hell of a ride this past year. I've made mistakes but won't repent or punish myself for them. I'm just gonna heal. I know that if we honestly believed we had all we needed right here, right now, and not just within, but even when we looked around, we'd see God - in nature, in the kitchen, and in the bedroom. We'd feel appreciation for the Abundance. More miracles can happen when we acknowledge that life is one gigantic miracle. You're a miracle, and you can manifest whatever you desire.  Last year, I manifested some crazy shit. I manifested what I asked for, but I asked for too little. It's n
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Are men unable to be faithful to one woman by default?

Every few years, I feel like I know nothing about men, love, sex, relationships, and Tantra. And here I go again. I'm a totally empty cup that can be poured afresh. That can be a good thing.  So, what are these concepts again? I look at men and ponder about our differences... Come on, men and women are so different! Not only do men have straight bodies that by default look less attractive than the curvy bodies of women, but they also carry their bit-of-a-pregnant belly like kings... and women still fall to their feet if they think the podgy king is wealthy and successful. We believe we could learn something of value from him; maybe he'd help us solve the puzzle of life, eliminate struggles, or even be so helpful and necessary we just might feel safe and happy. Do I think like all women? Maybe not. Do most women need their man to be faithful? Or do they simply need his commitment to look after them financially, regardless of how much he'd be involved in the relationship - th
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High-school sweethearts forever after - that's clearly not my story

These frickin' sad romantic songs on the radio... I was fine until I got back into my hotel. Well, until I had a little stalker's moment and spied on two high school sweethearts on Instagram. Damn, it really does happen. People meet at 16 years old and stay together their whole life. He is a whole other creature I can't even comprehend... like, damn, it really exists that a guy would adopt the role of a protector and provider so early on? They're only in their early 30s now but appear to be more in love than ever. And well, she is, her love is - how she writes about them and their beyond-love story - absolutely worth it. A totally devoted wife... I checked her whole Instagram, to my own amazement, and she's been very consistent with posts on his birthdays, Valentine's Day, Father's Day... damn. I got sucked into it. I tried to picture myself having done life differently... forget the fact that I had my first boyfriend at 20 years old. Let's say R. and I
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I'm done with being a Today's girl.

My ex-lover effectively acts as a sexual appetite suppressant... who would have thought... Celibacy has still been good to me. I can't say I don't imagine passionately making out with somebody, but such a brief drifting is not obsessive, nor does it feel tempting to turn it into reality. I am stunned by my newfound strong will and boundaries. We all need a different medicine. This is what I need. Last night, I discussed it with my female friend E., who is still in Peru. I suggested that the women who didn't have much attention from men in the past and didn't enjoy much physical pleasure or, overall, their intimate relationships sucked should put themselves out there, flirt, enjoy the male gaze, and perhaps even find many different lovers... I'm not gonna preach celibacy and a nun-like lifestyle to everybody... it's for me at the moment! 😂 I'm surrounded by men here in Acapulco, Mexico. It's so funny that when I hosted Cacao and Ecstatic Dance evening th
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Community, anger, temptation, and celibacy

Dang, I'm so much better when surrounded by the right community. I've been on the road again and alone since Saturday (for about 5 days now). The only times I talked were during frustrated rants at the airports, ordering empanadas, coffee, and fruits in shops, recording a couple of short voicemails to friends, and conducting an hour-long healing session. During the latter, it wasn't even me doing all the talking but the Spirit or my client. Deep conversations are the only times when my English is fine. When I keep to myself too much, I forget who I am and what language I should use. My Spanish is still retarded, yet I have the decency to still speak it, albeit badly, instead of expecting the locals to communicate in English with me, as they can't. At this rate, I'll forget how to talk altogether! There's nothing like stimulating conversations for me. They bring life to my veins. My time in Pucallpa was precious. I had the space to do everything I liked. Dancing,
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Polyfrickin'amory vs. becoming at home in my own skin

Are some planets in retrograde these days? Questions like - Do I wish for an exclusive or open relationship? and Am I still hung up on M.? started coming up again. I might be light-heartedly hung up since he was the best lover of the last year, and I am very, very horny now! He was playful, affectionate, and hungry for me. But I know it's time to open the door for something more smooth sailing, no kids from previous relations, or long-distance. Peru is clearly working its wise magic on me. Weirdly, I cannot imagine being intimate with L. He certainly is gorgeous, has a good heart, and is caring enough. But, a big but - he is obsessed with exploring Eros with various women. In fact, he has been in an open relationship and polyamorous for many years.  I respect that. Could I be poly? I've examined the subject a couple of times before on this blog.  A part of me wants to be that open-hearted, but a more significant part of me gets off on the idea of a primarily monogamous, secur
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To explore or not to explore Eros with him

I'm surprised at how much I've been enjoying my stay at the jungle commune. Currently, there are 10 adults here, including me. Then 1 child, 3 big dogs, 2 puppies, 3 kittens and 1 big cat. The Shaman's friends, the local 'curandera' and her daughter, frequently visit us. We share some spaces, but if someone doesn't feel social, it is perfectly acceptable to stay in their private, simple bedroom. I have my routine that I can easily stick to, and then throughout the day, I go to the common kitchen and living room to cook, eat, or just hang out with others. Today, I made healthy sweet potato brownies for everybody. I'd love to say that I baked them, but the oven had a rusty cauldron with a moldy potion inside, and the white stuff spread onto the rack and the door, too. So I made them semi-raw coz' there was no way I'd touch the filth. I hang out with L. the most. I feel very comfortable with him; we share morning coffee and hugs, give each other little
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Another ceremony after 5 years of integration

Jungle life... The Ayahuasca ceremony is set for Monday. So I have 3 days to cleanse my body further. I've not been following any too-special diet, except for avoiding most processed foods and alcohol. Although I had some beer yesterday, I've been good since Auckland's airport. Now, I will not drink till then and  ease out on the coffee, too. Definitely no coffee on Monday morning, and perhaps eat just fruit 24 hours before. The food here is quite good and abundant, with plenty of grilled chicken around that's dirt cheap, grilled platanos, rice, fruit, and fresh cheese. What more do you need to thrive? Vegetables, perhaps... Even the Shaman here seems to eat everything, including bread. I feel relatively clean already. I sweat tons daily, and generally, I'm just happier since I came to this place. Any toxic negativity dissolved.  I laugh even at things like a lost bag full of groceries. My groceries that L. offered to carry because they were heavy. L. just does the
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God and the jungle mended my heart

Unbelievably, the connection is not there anymore. I cut the cord. I tried hard to summon it this morning, just for fun, and my inner vision could not even make out the outlines of his face…. That’s so wonderful! Not only can I not ‘feel’ him, but I cannot even recall what he looks like. It’s gone. I pulled out a saved pic of him and - nothing. It was like looking at a stranger. Picturing him with a potential woman now - and wishing him only blessings. I’ve done nothing to cause this shift other than praying to God to help me heal the shitty situation I put myself in. I surrendered to my initial pain, forgave myself for my illusions, and obviously, absolved him of any responsibility for that. I took a flight out of NZ, and along came jetlag, and gone was the infatuation. Here, in the jungle, I have more important things to care about and new - real - connections to nurture. Viz the previous post. I think that walking in on L. naked in the wooden outdoor shower helped, too 🤣 Gosh, he
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Death to the old, birth to the new

I'll start by saying I got sweet 8 hours of sleep in the jungle. Everything looked brighter the next day. I woke up with joy, so happy to be here... My eyes saw clearer, my skin felt firmer, my mind was sharper, and my body lighter. That's how important sleep is.  We held a small funeral just before the New Year's Eve 'party' on the roof. It was a weird feeling to learn about the Shaman's dad's death the day before my arrival. During my last few days in Auckland, I would take walks in the nearby cemetery and enjoy the peace and quiet there. Maybe a little morbid, but that place kept me grounded, safe, and sane. Hours before I watched my friend's Insta story, I had posted on the Gram - Have you been reminded of death lately?  Then another story with puppies and caption - ..  and birth to the new . Hours later, I saw that my favorite dog ever, whom I looked after in Playa del Carmen, died. So sad... Despite many annoyances along the way and the shock upon
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Traveling is not always a walk in paradise, but I see the humor in it

A little update about my travels. I must admit that I got into my guesthouse in Lima on the verge of a meltdown. When they say the past doesn't equal the future, they don't tell you that the present can still very much resemble it. Yes, I might have retraumatized myself by reading my journal from very difficult teenage years, but it had a specific purpose. I needed to uncover the common themes there to stop repeating the same patterns and create better outcomes. I think I am onto something. It might have to do with God. I didn't know how to communicate with him back then. While I cannot say I'm a pro now, I am much better at it. Look, getting out of New Zealand was emotional. Perhaps I shouldn't have drank that glass of Shiraz at the Auckland airport, if only because of the impending jet lag. But I felt very distressed, and it helped me at that minute.  A lot of things went through my head.  Did I make a mistake by not taking that risk and extending my stay? Could N
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Some new year's resolutions

It's amazing what being honest with oneself can heal. I should add being honest and non-judgmental of all the shadowy parts that inevitably come to light. How else can we make changes if we don't give ourselves compassion first? Apparently, self-love and self-compassion are what I came here to learn and teach, according to my astrology. And I shall. Many new creative ideas are flowing to me, and the signs of abundance are everywhere.  These are my favorite Christmas holidays by far. I am in a new country, alone and comfortable with my thoughts and emotions, the climate here is pleasant, and I have some occasional work, too. I don't like to sit idle. Dancing twice a day, exploring local nature parks, writing, and having my bestie to exchange loooong voicemails with helps, too. Yes, there is some anxiety, which I can only control by being present to it, meditating, and breathing it out. Having lost a fake male friend, who was nevertheless emotionally honest and present with m
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