I'm done with being a Today's girl.

My ex-lover effectively acts as a sexual appetite suppressant... who would have thought...
Celibacy has still been good to me. I can't say I don't imagine passionately making out with somebody, but such a brief drifting is not obsessive, nor does it feel tempting to turn it into reality. I am stunned by my newfound strong will and boundaries.

We all need a different medicine. This is what I need. Last night, I discussed it with my female friend E., who is still in Peru. I suggested that the women who didn't have much attention from men in the past and didn't enjoy much physical pleasure or, overall, their intimate relationships sucked should put themselves out there, flirt, enjoy the male gaze, and perhaps even find many different lovers... I'm not gonna preach celibacy and a nun-like lifestyle to everybody... it's for me at the moment! 😂

I'm surrounded by men here in Acapulco, Mexico. It's so funny that when I hosted Cacao and Ecstatic Dance evening the other day, it was primarily men who showed up and a few taken women. There was no single lady; why? Are they intimidated by me?

When I dissect how I must've attracted my ex last year, all I can think of were my fake pink nails, botox in my forehead, and perhaps some short revealing dresses displaying a generous cleavage.... and there it was, I attracted the biggest slut there. My image attracts or repels. I'm working on that.

Even Max Ig*n himself warned me last year: Do you know that M. has 15 girlfriends? Well, I surely didn't know that one of them was pregnant. 

This year he told me: And don't worry about M., with him it's like: What's Today's girl's name?

Haha, it is funny now, I can laugh at it and at myself, too.

Max said that the day after I'd seen M. walking home with a Mexican girl (20 or so) in high heels... not one of us anarchists. 

I'm happy I've seen that. Now, I cannot unsee it, and I finally know his true colors. I was a Today's girl. Well, the one who lasted 2-3 weeks.

So I met the version of myself I never wanted to know… and it wasn't in my masochism that I found the ugly truth; the truth was reflected in his recklessness when it comes to sexual escapades and lack of integrity when he chooses random people he doesn't even like to have casual sex with.

I see myself in him. Slap on one cheek, slap on the other. I had been him for so long.

Consequences - there are always consequences to sexual acts.

As for me, it wasn't becoming a parent, obviously; the consequences of sleeping with him enforced my physical and emotional trauma. It's manifested as mistrust for men and terrified feelings when some older and not exactly attractive man tries to get close to me… I freeze. It is the trauma of not being able to form a close relationship, even with an attractive young man, that torments me.

I met another me.

It was time to change.

I'm starting with a clean slate. Feeling more nestled in my power than ever before.