Laying a new foundation
"Beaver Spirit says you can always get busy and build something fresh and new if the desire is true. Be clear about what you're building and why, choosing from a place of worthiness, well-being, and wholeness. Self-understanding and acceptance will provide you with a solid blueprint to build again."
- Colette Baron Reid's Animal Oracle card deck
I love this message I pulled out this morning. After last night's journalling, this solidifies my new resolutions.
I have to pay attention to the signs from the Spirit world because my overthinking brain makes everything more complex, and it keeps me shortsighted.
- Colette Baron Reid's Animal Oracle card deck
I love this message I pulled out this morning. After last night's journalling, this solidifies my new resolutions.
A cloud of smoke must have been coming from my head on the way to work. Then my eyes fell on somebody's shopping bag: "Be the change you wish to see in the world…"
Yes, Pavlina, please be that..... And it would help if you started with your job 😒
Why don't men no longer bring flowers to women, court them a little, and patiently wait for sex? - are we the problem?
Yes, we women in the sexual entertainment industry are the problem.
I try to be the change at my workplace. On my better days, I get men to slow down and drop from their heads into their bodies, realize that pleasure can be endless, it doesn't have to have a goal, it can be contained in the body, and thus, they can cultivate respect for themselves and for their Tantric partners too.
Yes, Pavlina, please be that..... And it would help if you started with your job 😒
Why don't men no longer bring flowers to women, court them a little, and patiently wait for sex? - are we the problem?
Yes, we women in the sexual entertainment industry are the problem.
I try to be the change at my workplace. On my better days, I get men to slow down and drop from their heads into their bodies, realize that pleasure can be endless, it doesn't have to have a goal, it can be contained in the body, and thus, they can cultivate respect for themselves and for their Tantric partners too.
But in the short-term quick fix world this is not always easy.
If I'm to be super honest, how much do I walk my talk in my private life? Why am I so quick to give my body and heart to somebody who isn't even on the same page?
I thought about M. and everything that happened this year with these four one-night stands for nothing; okay, one was virtual, so it counts only as 3,5. I circled it back down to self-worth.
Despite all our flaws, M. has much more self-worth than I'll ever have.
Feeling undeserving of somebody else's love, heck - even help, gifts, compliments…I started doubting my pure heart regarding G., his advances and consistent care throughout the years. Well, seriously, my intentions were pure 14 years ago, and I doubt they're tainted now. I loved that person then, and I still care about him today.
The Insta reel said:
"Find someone who'll take good care of you. Not just materialistically, but who will take good care of your mind, your body, your energy, and your heart. "
I took a deep breath.
I can start again. I know what to watch out for now.
Give it some space.
This dragging but short-lived fling helped me gain a lot more clarity.
Connection is lovely and, in fact, not that rare in my world. Not that I'd need to fuck everybody I connect with (or connect with everybody I fuck with). However, when I connect with a man on some level, I realize that at my age and with my background, I'm no longer interested in fucking without trust, hearts involved, or an unspoken commitment to building a relationship together. It just doesn't feel that satisfying anymore. I can give myself an orgasm alone.
Yes, that's what it came down to after all the disappointments this year.
So here's where the 7-year age gap makes itself known.
He is fine just drifting and meeting me along in the current of the river of life… going with the flow, oh, there she is, I might entangle myself a bit and then see how little I can give and how much I can get away with. And I get that. For the first time, I actually understood my then 35-year-old Australian ex's frustrations with my 28-year-old self. I sent out so many mixed signals back then.
I don't wanna push him to change. I can see his potential, but we all have our learnings to do at an individual pace.
I also need to make a few changes first.
I don't wanna actively look for relationship material. But I need to lay the right foundation for him to find me and see me as a girlfriend/wife/mother material. I'm not sure that's me right this second.
Finding/being found by somebody who'll want to have a relationship with me before we have sex will take a different kinda man… maybe I've never met this man, or perhaps I haven't been with a man like that for the last 14 years. Therefore, I should know men like these exist.
I need to recover my childlike wonder. And heal my sexual trauma and examine my anger towards the masculine.
The right man will not deserve any of that.
As Colette Baron Reid's oracle cards keep reminding me - Not all relationships are here to disappoint me.
If I'm to be super honest, how much do I walk my talk in my private life? Why am I so quick to give my body and heart to somebody who isn't even on the same page?
I thought about M. and everything that happened this year with these four one-night stands for nothing; okay, one was virtual, so it counts only as 3,5. I circled it back down to self-worth.
Despite all our flaws, M. has much more self-worth than I'll ever have.
Feeling undeserving of somebody else's love, heck - even help, gifts, compliments…I started doubting my pure heart regarding G., his advances and consistent care throughout the years. Well, seriously, my intentions were pure 14 years ago, and I doubt they're tainted now. I loved that person then, and I still care about him today.
The Insta reel said:
"Find someone who'll take good care of you. Not just materialistically, but who will take good care of your mind, your body, your energy, and your heart. "
I took a deep breath.
I can start again. I know what to watch out for now.
Give it some space.
This dragging but short-lived fling helped me gain a lot more clarity.
Connection is lovely and, in fact, not that rare in my world. Not that I'd need to fuck everybody I connect with (or connect with everybody I fuck with). However, when I connect with a man on some level, I realize that at my age and with my background, I'm no longer interested in fucking without trust, hearts involved, or an unspoken commitment to building a relationship together. It just doesn't feel that satisfying anymore. I can give myself an orgasm alone.
Yes, that's what it came down to after all the disappointments this year.
So here's where the 7-year age gap makes itself known.
He is fine just drifting and meeting me along in the current of the river of life… going with the flow, oh, there she is, I might entangle myself a bit and then see how little I can give and how much I can get away with. And I get that. For the first time, I actually understood my then 35-year-old Australian ex's frustrations with my 28-year-old self. I sent out so many mixed signals back then.
I don't wanna push him to change. I can see his potential, but we all have our learnings to do at an individual pace.
I also need to make a few changes first.
I don't wanna actively look for relationship material. But I need to lay the right foundation for him to find me and see me as a girlfriend/wife/mother material. I'm not sure that's me right this second.
Finding/being found by somebody who'll want to have a relationship with me before we have sex will take a different kinda man… maybe I've never met this man, or perhaps I haven't been with a man like that for the last 14 years. Therefore, I should know men like these exist.
I need to recover my childlike wonder. And heal my sexual trauma and examine my anger towards the masculine.
The right man will not deserve any of that.
As Colette Baron Reid's oracle cards keep reminding me - Not all relationships are here to disappoint me.
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