Community, anger, temptation, and celibacy

Dang, I'm so much better when surrounded by the right community. I've been on the road again and alone since Saturday (for about 5 days now). The only times I talked were during frustrated rants at the airports, ordering empanadas, coffee, and fruits in shops, recording a couple of short voicemails to friends, and conducting an hour-long healing session. During the latter, it wasn't even me doing all the talking but the Spirit or my client. Deep conversations are the only times when my English is fine. When I keep to myself too much, I forget who I am and what language I should use. My Spanish is still retarded, yet I have the decency to still speak it, albeit badly, instead of expecting the locals to communicate in English with me, as they can't. At this rate, I'll forget how to talk altogether! There's nothing like stimulating conversations for me. They bring life to my veins.

My time in Pucallpa was precious. I had the space to do everything I liked. Dancing, writing, reading, building my business, resting, walking, shopping, and getting to know people. I appreciate that community jungle place. People also left you alone. When you wanted to chill, work, or dance in the privacy of your own room, you didn't need to notify anybody. We all had autonomy.

Staying there for three weeks, when I first thought I wouldn't make it three days, felt healing even without plant medicines. Especially my time with L. Spending time with him began uncovering some anger issues and bringing them to the light to be mended.

Whom am I angry at anyway?

It seems like it's never the person in front of me. Is it God? The Universe? My mother and father?
Then I better heal that so no one else must suffer my moods.

At the end of the day, it is not worth it. I'm talking about petty arguments and anger. They are not worth it, useless, time-consuming, and make us sick in the long run.
We know that, yet it is still so easy to get caught up in the daily frustrations that add up and accumulate.

I'm finding the core issue. In any case, as Dr. Connelly says, it is not worth sweating the small stuff. 

And when it feels big? Just breathe, take a step back. The stakes of destroying your connections are just too high, and it is uncompassionate to kill people with your words.
Stay calm...
There is enough love and support around.

I'm so proud of myself for resisting temptation. Even around my ovulation days, I kept it in my pants. 

However, last week, I substituted sex with community activities, walks, ecstatic dances with others on the roof, or by myself in my room, whatever my heart desired, and this week, I'm overeating.

Would I like to give in to the temptation if it regarded someone else, or would I still prefer to resist it? That's the million-dollar question. If it was someone I didn't know as well as L. and I felt chemistry between us, I would... still keep it in my pants. At least, that's how I feel now, about 2 months into my celibacy. I don't even want to count. I'll keep going for as long as it makes sense!

There's a big difference between wanting and needing. I'd certainly like to make love to a man, but do I need to? No, I'd take my time with the right one. I'm aware that without L. it would have been much more boring there, but I'm so happy we kept it in the friend zone.

He is pretty great. There was some allure about him at times, but I know that was all just glitter. I could not feel safe around his polyamorous heart, always searching for somebody to connect with. (Probably some abandonment issues? Ah, like the rest of us!) 

I needed that lesson to finally make up my mind about what I'm looking for!

L. is very passionate about experiencing altered consciousness via sexual energy with another and also via psychedelics. Since he does have Tantric skills, he must pass that knowledge on to the world. I would love to help him, but I'm afraid to get even closer than this. We joked how cool it would be to run a workshop together, but I have a problem. I don't wanna exchange or circulate energy with him.

My no is a full sentence.

Like the quote I read recently said:
"One night of passion for a lifetime of demons."

Not that sex is bad, and not everything about Tantra is sexual, nor does it involve penetration per se... but this guy does have some demons.

Energy transference is real.

I don't want them.

Use your mind wisely.