Am I an anxious avoidant or just anxious in love?
This audiobook Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is everything I was looking for these past 18 years of dating.
When you thought that you had an avoidant attachment style, only to learn it was predominantly anxious all along. I must have known what a furnace I'd unleash, so I dodged relationships for fear of being triggered into my edgy ways once I got attached.
But attachment is not supposed to be a bad thing. We are humans; we're wired to want to depend on one another and live interdependently.
Nobody wants to have anxiety in relationships. Being insecure also manifests as keeping love at a distance and needing space to be oneself because the true self might be too much for the other person. Yes, both avoidant and anxious styles are anything but secure. So that's me, an insecure woman with a disorganized attachment style. All the protest behavior—threatening to leave and playing hot and cold games—which I thought reflected my avoidance, were actually symptoms of an anxious attachment style.
G. was the only guy with a secure attachment style I ever dated. That would explain why we still talk 15 years later. He is the only secure man who is still somewhat committed to me.
I think I might have met another man with a secure attachment style last year in Prague. He's only one year older, physically definitely my type, and well, I can't believe he's still talking to me. I have dismissed him as a potential boyfriend many times. I'm still trying to figure out what he wants with me. I'm starting to think that it might not be just sex. We met as a one-night stand, though. He's been trying to get to see me, even if just for a coffee (he says), ever since, for nearly a year! I've been avoiding him out of shame. There's also the possibility that secure people trigger my avoidance. I've not quite compartmentalized that yet, but recent interactions with a secure/a little on the anxious side man - a description he used on himself, made me aware that I've not been my authentic self. This man... dang, there's something narcy about 'nice guys.' They crave intimacy and close friendship not just because it's like water on a hot day for them but also coz' they need validation. At least that's what Teal Swan concluded, and I'm witnessing she's right.
Ugh, I'm sorry, these nice puppet men make me sick. Plus, I'm instantly in my masculine when around them. I hate it!
I don't know how much the Czech guy and I have in common. He is not a classic 'nice guy' or a puppet; he's sexual but not a Cassanova, and I notice he cares about others. I just went over the entire chat we've had on Instagram. Without replaying all the voicemails or being able to open the videos he sent me, I can see he is very confident in crushing on me... no shame there whatsoever. Perhaps a sign of a secure man. But there was nothing interesting in our convo. He didn't even know what the law of attraction was. I know; not all men learn about manifesting or other spiritual shit. Undoubtedly, he'd still be a stable, consistent, and attentive boyfriend. However, most of the convo revolved around my beauty. So... Pavlina, it's time to sober up again. Nip the fantasies that you found your future husband and father of your child in the bud!
Or, hang on, am I deactivating my attachment by finding flaws in a good man? Damn, I can never figure this out. Then watch me going seamlessly from an avoidant to anxious style once we get together again and he'll take his time calling.
When you thought that you had an avoidant attachment style, only to learn it was predominantly anxious all along. I must have known what a furnace I'd unleash, so I dodged relationships for fear of being triggered into my edgy ways once I got attached.
But attachment is not supposed to be a bad thing. We are humans; we're wired to want to depend on one another and live interdependently.
Nobody wants to have anxiety in relationships. Being insecure also manifests as keeping love at a distance and needing space to be oneself because the true self might be too much for the other person. Yes, both avoidant and anxious styles are anything but secure. So that's me, an insecure woman with a disorganized attachment style. All the protest behavior—threatening to leave and playing hot and cold games—which I thought reflected my avoidance, were actually symptoms of an anxious attachment style.
G. was the only guy with a secure attachment style I ever dated. That would explain why we still talk 15 years later. He is the only secure man who is still somewhat committed to me.
I think I might have met another man with a secure attachment style last year in Prague. He's only one year older, physically definitely my type, and well, I can't believe he's still talking to me. I have dismissed him as a potential boyfriend many times. I'm still trying to figure out what he wants with me. I'm starting to think that it might not be just sex. We met as a one-night stand, though. He's been trying to get to see me, even if just for a coffee (he says), ever since, for nearly a year! I've been avoiding him out of shame. There's also the possibility that secure people trigger my avoidance. I've not quite compartmentalized that yet, but recent interactions with a secure/a little on the anxious side man - a description he used on himself, made me aware that I've not been my authentic self. This man... dang, there's something narcy about 'nice guys.' They crave intimacy and close friendship not just because it's like water on a hot day for them but also coz' they need validation. At least that's what Teal Swan concluded, and I'm witnessing she's right.
Ugh, I'm sorry, these nice puppet men make me sick. Plus, I'm instantly in my masculine when around them. I hate it!
I don't know how much the Czech guy and I have in common. He is not a classic 'nice guy' or a puppet; he's sexual but not a Cassanova, and I notice he cares about others. I just went over the entire chat we've had on Instagram. Without replaying all the voicemails or being able to open the videos he sent me, I can see he is very confident in crushing on me... no shame there whatsoever. Perhaps a sign of a secure man. But there was nothing interesting in our convo. He didn't even know what the law of attraction was. I know; not all men learn about manifesting or other spiritual shit. Undoubtedly, he'd still be a stable, consistent, and attentive boyfriend. However, most of the convo revolved around my beauty. So... Pavlina, it's time to sober up again. Nip the fantasies that you found your future husband and father of your child in the bud!
Or, hang on, am I deactivating my attachment by finding flaws in a good man? Damn, I can never figure this out. Then watch me going seamlessly from an avoidant to anxious style once we get together again and he'll take his time calling.
Mind-blowing!
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