To explore or not to explore Eros with him

I'm surprised at how much I've been enjoying my stay at the jungle commune. Currently, there are 10 adults here, including me. Then 1 child, 3 big dogs, 2 puppies, 3 kittens and 1 big cat. The Shaman's friends, the local 'curandera' and her daughter, frequently visit us.

We share some spaces, but if someone doesn't feel social, it is perfectly acceptable to stay in their private, simple bedroom. I have my routine that I can easily stick to, and then throughout the day, I go to the common kitchen and living room to cook, eat, or just hang out with others. Today, I made healthy sweet potato brownies for everybody. I'd love to say that I baked them, but the oven had a rusty cauldron with a moldy potion inside, and the white stuff spread onto the rack and the door, too. So I made them semi-raw coz' there was no way I'd touch the filth.

I hang out with L. the most. I feel very comfortable with him; we share morning coffee and hugs, give each other little snacks, go shopping, and talk about the struggles of being a human being, especially a projector in Human Design. We discuss medicinal plants, lost loves, anarchy, Tantra, or nothing. Sometimes I just watch him eat or exercise.

L. is a gorgeous man.

He had been trying to talk to me for a few days about 'something important.' I was getting the hints. So last night, I proposed an ecstatic dance on the rooftop, which was so joyful to share my most beloved medicine with the peeps here. After we were done and left alone, he finally cracked the subject under a candlelight... He said he had a block and asked if I could help him...

So, while looking at the little flame, I began... Look, I know there's some chemistry between us, but I do not wish to do anything about that. I'm in the process of reassessing what it is that I'm looking for and what I need.

I had hit the right cord. He got talking.

He admitted his feelings towards me, that he feels very attracted to me, which he apparently realized already in Mexico in February last year.

He knew that M. and I wouldn't last. I was very honest about my little romance and told him about the latest chapter in Amsterdam a couple months ago. I also said I was attracted to him, but after my newest rejection by a completely virtual crush, I needed some time alone. 

It is tricky. I am swayed by all kinds of feelings here. On the surface, he only wants to explore the erotic side of our attraction and conduct some Tantric energy sessions, and that sounds interesting to me. Underneath that, though, he is a very sensitive being who admits he is in love with several women right now ( I suspect I could be one of them). I learned about his polyamory ages ago. Peeling the layers further, he says he rarely gets attached. 

Observing him, it seems he is prone to escapism at the core, which is reflected in his brief affairs, love of psychedelics, weed, and anything that alters consciousness or makes you more confident, at least temporarily, including sex. I know I would be treated as another means of escape. Then I ask myself, don't I need a little escape from my reality, too?

But things are quite good here in Peru, and I have many further plans for traveling and my business, too. In fact, I want anything but to escape THIS reality; I want to dive deeper into it, and I might not need sex or psychedelics for that at all.

So, L. is polyamorous, very open, and very sensual; the kind of guy who'd know how to be playful with me, not feel ashamed of his desires, and possibly keep coming back. He practices withholding his ejaculation like most of the 'awake' men I know. In his words, he feels less alive when he cums. So he has Tantric energy orgasms and 'sucks in' the semen nearly all the time. 

I think I started to get panic attacks at the thought of another guy climaxing and then acting all strange on me after that; so good! L. seems like the perfect subject to explore my curiosity with further... but no strings attached, right?... yes, he might be in love, the same as I was with the virtual crush, but he doesn't want a relationship, just as the virtual crush didn't. 

It sounds like a complex dilemma, but it's no fork in the road.

Sex is great but -

I get easily attached, I'm not poly even though I would allow for some leniency in my relationships, and I'm the most attracted to stable, sober, wealthy, faithful masculine men... This is not it.

Just be honest, and answer the question: What do you actually want, Pavlina?