Gratitude for abuse - inflicted and self-imposed

Imagine you’ve been stressing for months about figuring out a better plan than the one you lived last year, or perhaps the previous 30 years, so you pivot and conclude you go back to the old plan that has worked but sent you burnout to Mexico. As a consequence of high stress, living in third-world countries for the past 5 months, and perhaps the microplastics from your bottled drinking water, your hormones get out of whack. Let alone seeing the Botox fade, friends come and go, and your anxiety is making you lose your sleep and gain more weight. Then there’s the fucking loneliness…. Isn’t it ironic how ever-present it is? It won’t ever leave you when you’re on your own!

And so you shove down your horniness with more food and less exercise, as that seems to be the appetizing recipe for staying alone, self-deprecating, and miserable while reminiscing about all the failed attempts at relationships in the past year.

Your hormones start raging even wilder! 

So, one sober day, because you drank your fair share of wine already, you book a flight back to Prague. 

Upon landing, you consider that after a sleepless 18-hour-long journey from Mexico to Czechia via London, you’re awake enough to go straight to work.

Success. 

But Sleep - 4.5 hours on average.

Then you think of your family duties. You reckon you’re strong enough to go to your mother’s. 

Aaaaaaa, red button toot - Epic failure.

You were not ready for that shit and never will be. You gridded your teeth the first 18 years of your life, said adios to all, then kept visiting intermittently for the next 18 years, hoping things would be different at each new hello… no, they weren’t. You and your mother could only stand each other if you met up for lunch. The first 2 hours you’d act like a wounded little child,  but then you’d relax and listen.

However, in three days, it’s actually her who loses her cool. Because she is the Master Pretender and Hypocrite, she can put on an act, but only for a few hours. With each new day, she reminded you of her true face you came to know long ago, and then you naively forgot.

Yep, it is still her, the dragon, under that mask of a kind, loving mother. Her? The merciless judge that hates you because you are like the father. Unreliable, selfish, and stuck in your childhood drama that she herself, apparently, wasn’t a part of. It would help if you got a grip on yourself, finally. 

And so it is that my journey culminated here, again, and stops for a short while, again.

I can’t stay here, in the sin city, for sure, but for now, I am so relieved to have income and regain some sense of security. I am also pleased to make appointments with the esthetician!

Gym, infra sauna, and Thai massage today… I am feeling so relaxed, I might sleep tight tonight. 

Looking and feeling good makes me happy!