Healing the Divine Masculine - in ALL of us

Dancing always clears my head. Suddenly, things seem so clear and straightforward. Every time I dance, I get closer to admitting what I want. That's right, some people, me, have problems acknowledging what we want, for the fear of not being worthy, feeling ashamed that it's 'too much,' or otherwise wishing for something that might not be meant for us. Screw it. The reason why I have this wish is because it exists. It exists and is there for me to claim if I want it! Tonight, I had dinner with a very kind man I met about 4 years ago. I texted him a few days back that I would be in Belgium, and if he wanted to take me out. However, the petsit did not happen, but another one worked out in Holland, so I stayed. Upon learning the news, he jumped in his car, arrived in Rotterdam in just over one hour, and took me to dinner here.  That's the kind of man I want. Another friend sent me a virtual hug, in fact, more than that, the other day. Every time we speak, he looks at me

In Internal Family Systems, participants get to familiarize themselves with all the parts they've tried hard to disown. Yet, they are all of them. In this therapeutic methodology, we wouldn't even be allowed to call some of these parts good and some bad; they all 'are', they exist, they're normal, and we can be complete and happy people acknowledging all of them. So I tried hard to love the unsuccessful parts of me, the parts that are so bad with money, the parts that still haven't made it into a long-term relationship, the parts that keep running away despite the rest of me wanting to stay and ground, the parts that sabotage my diet, and the parts that will never forge good relationships with the members of my biological family. In other words, I tried to love the loser and the outcast in me. It involved some tears falling down, too. The cat I've been looking after literally jumped into my lap when I was too far down the line to think rationally. Many tears

The moment I started fantasizing about a fictional character to get myself off, I entertained the idea of polyamory again. Because just before that, I had imagined two real characters doing the same thing that the third one has finished. In the next moment, however, I realized that none of these situations was currently happening. It was just a fantasy.  When I'm with the first one in real life, I get a different kind of pleasure; he keeps me hooked because I'm on my toes, a little insecure, and generally, act softer than when I am with the second character in my movie. With the second one, there are no boundaries to how we make love to each other; it's electrifying and a little dangerous, given the events of this year.  So, the third character... why do I need him in the picture at all? It struck me he was there because it could potentially be something healthy. I don't need three lovers. I need just one healthy connection that might not be all about the chase (thank g

This blog post has been inspired by 3 quotes I have recently seen on Instagram.  Why am I still allowing shitty men an all-access pass to me? I know that there is some transitioning period to be expected, but... isn't this particular one-foot-in-one-foot-out grey area precisely what's hindering me from fully taking the leap? Jump, and the Universe will catch you, they say. True, it has happened several times before, where it worked well. But seriously, it was - several times - when it comes to leaving this toxic job. Why did I then take a step back, or rather, jump a whole crater backward, to not trust the Universal unfolding again and again? Constantly going back to the familiar empty well, or as Kelly Brogan MD would put it - trying to buy eggs from a hardware store.  Is that fear of the unknown? Or is it something else that perhaps the other quote sheds more light on, aka - Do I need these men for security, for validation of my single existence that is not very much celebrat

Gone are the days when self-acceptance was enough. Now I know how susceptible I am to remain comfortably numb in a mentally nonstimulating environment. I fall asleep on my laurels. Complacent. Finding a supportive environment is one of the pillars of radical self-care. And the right self-care is the reflection of your love for yourself. How much you love yourself determines everything - your standards for life, love, health, and career. Finding a healthy partnership becomes your priority when you start valuing yourself. If you value and appreciate yourself, you simply won't tolerate unsupportive environments, abusive family or partners, mediocre friendships, stressful jobs, or anyone not bringing out the best version of you. That's where self-acceptance falls short. You can't just accept how you've created your life so far. Sure, you must accept it to a certain degree, and you absolutely must forgive yourself for the wrong turns, but darling, you were meant for so much

Losing and finding yourself in this modern world that constantly dictates who to become, what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to live your life seems to never cease. Not for me, at least. What if we were fine with what we are? Are you judging me for this 'unambitious' thought already? I got totally lost in these past few months. I remember Peter Sage's saying - "Environment beats will every time." All the time. I wonder if hanging out with my spiritual peeps would foster a different outcome... However, many times in the past, I got sidetracked even there. Very hippie-like scattered, not tending to my own needs. Petsitting in otherwise empty apartments, only with the company of small animal creatures, is benefiting me. I can silence the outside world for a while, recenter in my heart and find out what I want, who I am without 'becoming' it, just feeling into it, and never stop asking what I want out of this precious life without someone telling me

And here we go again... Could I really date a 26-year-old? I don't get why I even think about it! It won't happen in this case, if only for the logistics. Plus, seriously?! We have different hobbies. And sex drives. And lessons learned in life. Stop it. What are you supposed to answer to a question What are you looking for in a man , coming from somebody super handsome, fitter than any fitness model you know, intelligent, and despite his younger age, even respect-evoking, but still just so very young? Especially after listening to a brilliant episode on Kelly Brogan's Reclamation Radio - Make every man bigger with Om Rupani, I am sure I need a Masculine Man with a capital M. To me, that means he's older and possesses maturity, reliability, and responsibility to look after his woman whom he CLAIMS and handles in any state.  At 26, that's simply impossible to fathom or even want to be that person. If I met that Man, I'd have to play my part and be the Feminine Wo

Isn't it amazing that I've avoided younger guys all my life, barely dating anyone below 40? In the past, they'd have to be at least 10 years older than me, and now 2 young men in their twenties will change the trajectory of my life? The thing is, the brief relations I fostered this past year restored hope. I cannot explain it any other way. But if I said that it is hope in genuineness, real love, honesty, and innocence, it sounds silly! So silly I could not even utter these words out loud. Meeting R. last year, who looked much older than 25, and hearing his crazy made-up stories and fondness of clubbing made me understand those challenging years of finding myself and what I liked. I used to act similar. At 36, I don't like pretending I'm something I'm not, meeting the social status standards, or drunken clubbing. But what I like instead is not the total opposite either. I must have some classy fun in my life. We all should. And meeting M., and experiencing his w

I’ve done numerous cacao ceremonies, psychedelics, Vipassana retreats, meditations, Theta healing courses, psychic visits…. also Landmark Pty and Tony Robbins. However profoundly healing, you don’t have to do all that. Running from seminar to seminar, it’s a trap. The five pillars that keep me alive: 1. PRAYER-MEDITATION  I connect to God and my heart before connecting to the rest of the world. This means no phone for the first hour or so.  There were some dark periods in my life when I stopped believing that there is God - higher power out there. In non-christian words - something larger than me, the magical Universe hovering its protective shield over me. I know that once I start cursing the heavens, it's bad news. Believing in my version of an all-loving Universe is primary. I'd recommend starting every day in silence and finding faith and gratitude in the present moment. If you live with a partner, simply make that request that you both don't talk until this meditative

Damn, some young men are truly extraordinary. I had mentioned I'd never date young guys again, and then I gave in to the charms of someone even younger than the last one.  In this case, this man had crossed my path already last year. We followed each other's journeys, stayed in touch regularly, and now we saw each other again to say goodbye before he moves to Australia. Straya! My past home of nearly 3 years, and still the dwelling of my heart and some soul fragments ( I tried to summon them back, but I know they're still there.) What a beautiful 12-hour-long date! This dude is something else because he's a deep-thinker, smart, calm, and asks me the best questions. I did not expect such jaw-dropping simple prompts. What do you want in life? We discovered I was a secret people pleaser... so what do I want now that I don't need to please anybody? The revelation that I can't fulfill my own heart, as I stopped listening to it a while ago, saddened me. What are you l

This may be a test. A test to see if I'll be an idiot again. No wonder my life has been a mess. I stopped writing. And writing is my therapy. Well, I'm back on the couch. Ever since we started talking again, my head has been exploding. I don't think it's been good for me. I learned the truth about his ghosting 4 months earlier, but has it been helpful? Should it make him a better person when he finally told me what was up? I'm trying to be supportive, but it's blurring the lines. Maybe I should stick to showing my support from afar. During our last video call in March, he said, "I'm not a good man for you." They're telling you, girl!!! When somebody tells you they're not the one for you or not ready for this and that, believe them. Lesson number one. Sure, we all grow and change, but he's got a kid now that he's not ready to look after. If it was our kid, would he run as well? How would he react a few weeks into our romance if I tol