My people-pleasing at its best

This blog post has been inspired by 3 quotes I have recently seen on Instagram. 

Why am I still allowing shitty men an all-access pass to me?

I know that there is some transitioning period to be expected, but... isn't this particular one-foot-in-one-foot-out grey area precisely what's hindering me from fully taking the leap? Jump, and the Universe will catch you, they say. True, it has happened several times before, where it worked well. But seriously, it was - several times - when it comes to leaving this toxic job. Why did I then take a step back, or rather, jump a whole crater backward, to not trust the Universal unfolding again and again? Constantly going back to the familiar empty well, or as Kelly Brogan MD would put it - trying to buy eggs from a hardware store. 

Is that fear of the unknown? Or is it something else that perhaps the other quote sheds more light on, aka - Do I need these men for security, for validation of my single existence that is not very much celebrated in this culture of "better an unsuccessful marriage than an independent single nomad"?

How independent am I, though, if I still need to ask for help?

And then I resent the rescuer.

Why do I get not-so-secret judgmental looks when I say I'm single? I forgot to mention - 36, never married, no children, and definitely not what the Americans call 401K, hell, no immediate financial buffer either, living day by day, and pretty much homeless... (Can I live in a tent by the mountains and the sea, please, continue to defy all the ordinary things people should do by a certain age???)... Why isn't that socially praised? That's why I feel the need to rebel so much. I vaguely remember doing Theta healing on this... How far ahead did it move me?

Should I start pretending I'm successful to avoid some uncomfortable questions?

Now, off to men in general... as all the above brings me down to one question - Do I hate men?

At the moment, there is one or two I don't hate. The opposite. It's not love either, but I have a lot of appreciation, so much so that I started feeling rather inadequate. In fact, something happened to my self-esteem; it left on a holiday, nowhere to be found. 

As per this young man, I often feel stupidly awkward, don't know what to text, or doubt what I've just sent, overthink it even further, and then either delete it or just hope for the best delivery of my actual message. It's hard to convey my thoughts. My intentions are pure, but I can see what's happening here. This connection feels safe because:

1. He's younger, not the typical older, predatory, controlling freak I'd be accustomed to, and predisposed to hate his financial power over me in the long run. Still, his youth and hotness make me insecure. (And it makes me wonder if I have some ulterior motive to prove to myself - Look, I'm chubby and old, and I still get to hook up with this hunk! Sick woman.)

2. I know how this will end, when, and where. No need to stress about it because the end date is set and planned. Therefore, it won't shock me. I have my anxious-avoidant attachment under control.

3. Why would I be avoidant or play hard-to-get games when the days together are numbered. Possibly one or two more dates. Should I let it slide only because I'm insecure? He's moving away. If it's not gonna work out, I'll never have to see him again anyway. 

Oh my God, I did the same thing with K. (Adam on my first blog) five years ago in Oz! 🙈 I dated him and enjoyed the 'no-strings-attached' only because I knew he was leaving the town! 

Why can't I be nonchalant about dating even if the guy was bloody staying? Wouldn't it be nice to finally date one guy long-term again?

Or would it...

I look at the couples around me, and most of them, I don't envy at all.

The dirty dishes in their apartment and all. I solved that problem by just not cooking.

(But I would learn to cook for the right people)

I wonder if I hate men because I get triggered by them. Recently, I read that triggers are not bad; they move us forward if we recognize the root cause. 

I get triggered by somebody appearing to control me.

I get triggered by their gaze... undressing me over distance.

I get triggered by their nervous laughter.

I get triggered by their manipulation to get me to bed, their playing victim to get my sympathy

to get kindness, free therapy

Like, look at me, poor, poor me, this is what happened to me, nobody understands me.... why can't you be more supportive of my situation...?

I am, I am... that's the problem. I'm always there to listen.

And sometimes, I even undress.

And sometimes, I give them head to ease out the suffering they have with their wives at home...

And sometimes, I am so nice to them even after I experienced no orgasm, not to make them feel bad about it.

Not that they would. But just in case.

Don't forget to call, even when you don't need me, but hang on, you need my entertainment frequently, so ... this should make me feel better about myself. How nice of you!

There you are. Here's an all-access pass to me. Help yourself!

Now, we came full circle.