I keep dancing on my own

Dancing always clears my head. Suddenly, things seem so clear and straightforward. Every time I dance, I get closer to admitting what I want. That's right, some people, me, have problems acknowledging what we want, for the fear of not being worthy, feeling ashamed that it's 'too much,' or otherwise wishing for something that might not be meant for us. Screw it. The reason why I have this wish is because it exists. It exists and is there for me to claim if I want it!

Tonight, I had dinner with a very kind man I met about 4 years ago. I texted him a few days back that I would be in Belgium, and if he wanted to take me out. However, the petsit did not happen, but another one worked out in Holland, so I stayed. Upon learning the news, he jumped in his car, arrived in Rotterdam in just over one hour, and took me to dinner here. 

That's the kind of man I want.

Another friend sent me a virtual hug, in fact, more than that, the other day. Every time we speak, he looks at me with a mix of desire, admiration, and respect. That's the kind of man I want.

Yet, I wouldn't be with any of these men.

As I dance with myself slowly, it makes me wonder if I would recognize a healthy relationship if it was near. I imagine dancing with my lover who's got my back... he is literally smelling my hair, breathing on the back of my neck, holding me around my waist, feeling my hips, feeling my energy... how would I react? Would I get scared and run, as I always do?

A side note: I want to send my sister to where the sun don't shine. I think I had it. "It's not your hypocritical, all-loving yet judging Christian front; it's your energy", I want to tell her someday. "It just sucks. You have to work on pretending better."

It must be said that while I recognize some dysfunctional anxious-avoidant patterns in me when it comes to romance, I can also see how many times my intuition has proven right. And then there were the disastrous relationships where, despite everything telling me to not even start the affair, I did, and then I couldn't be more surprised. 

It's funny that I'll be here at the same time when M. is landing back in Amsterdam. But I do not wish to see him. At all. During my dance, it was so so clear. There are millions of reasons why, yet I don't need to explain any. That's what dance does. It's an embodiment of pure consciousness. You don't need to name it, label it, or be able to point at it. You don't need a reason for your decision; you just need to feel it's the right thing to do.

Then there's still the possibility of seeing R. before he goes, the sexy little thing. It'll be forever etched in my memory how we met, stayed in touch, and how, for a short moment, I obsessed about the unfathomable. If I was born a bit later, and we could still be carefree together, or he was born a bit earlier, so maybe he'd done all the traveling and searching already, and now he'd see that everything he needs is right at his doorstep. 

But life doesn't work that way. Live and let live.

It was a nice fantasy. Because God knows that we'd not date precisely for where and how we've met.

Unless I change, everything will stay the same. I'll either change my limiting beliefs, or I'll find a way to live and thrive within my limits.

I'm grateful for the questions R. asked. Age is not the decisive factor for me, but -

If I want a child (and since recent events, the more prevalent conclusion is that I'd regret more NOT having it, yet the final judgment still hasn't been made), then - why should I waste my time and energy on people who are nowhere near ready, not in a position to physically, emotionally and financially look after a baby and raise a healthy person together with me?

That's one of the reasons I can't see M... among other things.

Oh, and before I finish this blog post. I dreamed about being eaten out by a woman. And gosh, did she know how to do it!

I came in my sleep. 

So, I'm waiting for that feeling again; it's been a while. I wonder if that's something that young men even do these days, or is this only a specialty of people my age and above? Hmm, I guess I knew why I always dated older!