Hard questions need compassion

Damn, some young men are truly extraordinary. I had mentioned I'd never date young guys again, and then I gave in to the charms of someone even younger than the last one. 

In this case, this man had crossed my path already last year. We followed each other's journeys, stayed in touch regularly, and now we saw each other again to say goodbye before he moves to Australia. Straya! My past home of nearly 3 years, and still the dwelling of my heart and some soul fragments ( I tried to summon them back, but I know they're still there.)

What a beautiful 12-hour-long date!

This dude is something else because he's a deep-thinker, smart, calm, and asks me the best questions.

I did not expect such jaw-dropping simple prompts.

What do you want in life?

We discovered I was a secret people pleaser... so what do I want now that I don't need to please anybody? The revelation that I can't fulfill my own heart, as I stopped listening to it a while ago, saddened me.

What are you looking for in a man?

Do I even know? I couldn't speak the words out loud. I realized I felt ashamed of wishing for something 'outrageous' and thus unworthy of actually receiving it, if it existed.

He's also super hot, not conceited, and has a kind heart. So it wasn't just a quick verbal bye-bye; see you in Dubai!

I notice that I've changed as well. I don't internalize the things men say that come across clumsily anymore... Obviously, if taken from the wrong end, it can hurt a pinch, but then I come back to the present moment to see that it didn't mean anything bad about me! So one second, I close off and sulk, and the next second, I wake up and start opening my heart again. No one deserves the murky version of me that's so stuck in her traumatized head. 

Likewise, I don't feel the need to mold him into a version that would make me feel better or safer if he was this way or that way for me. He should go travel and have all the experiences he needs. If he comes back to me, we'll take it from there again. But, the age difference is rather high, so I wouldn't let the imagination run too wild... I do care that he's happy and successful for his sake. He's a great catch; once somebody catches him, she'll be a lucky lady.

And as per me.. what do I want, and what am I looking for? Why is it so hard to answer?