Chapter closed

This may be a test. A test to see if I'll be an idiot again.

No wonder my life has been a mess. I stopped writing. And writing is my therapy.
Well, I'm back on the couch.

Ever since we started talking again, my head has been exploding. I don't think it's been good for me. I learned the truth about his ghosting 4 months earlier, but has it been helpful? Should it make him a better person when he finally told me what was up? I'm trying to be supportive, but it's blurring the lines. Maybe I should stick to showing my support from afar.

During our last video call in March, he said, "I'm not a good man for you." They're telling you, girl!!! When somebody tells you they're not the one for you or not ready for this and that, believe them. Lesson number one. Sure, we all grow and change, but he's got a kid now that he's not ready to look after. If it was our kid, would he run as well? How would he react a few weeks into our romance if I told him I was carrying somebody else's child? Suppose we see each other again, knowing how the baby came about, that he was drunk shitfaced, could I let him go out with the lads so he can happily get smashed and not wonder if he's making a baby with another woman at all? Someone he doesn't even wanna be with and will not quite remember how that all happened?

These are just my fearful projections, of course, and I have many of them. The majority has nothing to do with him. Likewise, I can blame the irresponsibility on his age, his habits, or some past trauma, or I can take accountability myself and admit that I've not been exactly honest or living aligned with my 36-year-old's 'wisdom' and deepest wishes either.

So, what would I tell him if I were to be completely genuine? That: Look, we met when I was single, you never claimed me, then you were several months silent, which I now know you had a good reason for, so I just resumed my single life and did single-person things...that I'm still doing, but I decided to look for a mature man who could take care of me, and start a family with me if we made a baby.

Ha, would that be so genuine?

Hmm, I guess I'm not ready to talk about details about my life either.

It seems like the pattern has repeated 7 years later. Still the same shit. But, it was for the best 7 years ago and is for the best now.

Refocus on what you want!

So on my part, the chapter is closed. For many, many reasons. I don't want to be secretive about my life, but is it worth sharing with somebody who's 28, living his drunk stoner's carefree life, and has no clue how to make a relationship work except for having sex? I've been there. 

However, I reached a point in my life where I need more. So no, on my part, the thing we had between us, it would not be there again.