Excuses, excuses, who am I as Love?

Losing and finding yourself in this modern world that constantly dictates who to become, what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to live your life seems to never cease. Not for me, at least.

What if we were fine with what we are? Are you judging me for this 'unambitious' thought already?

I got totally lost in these past few months. I remember Peter Sage's saying - "Environment beats will every time."

All the time.

I wonder if hanging out with my spiritual peeps would foster a different outcome... However, many times in the past, I got sidetracked even there. Very hippie-like scattered, not tending to my own needs.

Petsitting in otherwise empty apartments, only with the company of small animal creatures, is benefiting me. I can silence the outside world for a while, recenter in my heart and find out what I want, who I am without 'becoming' it, just feeling into it, and never stop asking what I want out of this precious life without someone telling me what it is. 

How to 'be' in this world, have strong boundaries, a rested nervous system, peace at heart, and a clear mind? 

I listen to thoughtful, interesting podcasts all the time, I read, and I journal to make sense of it all... It's still noisy out there, and it makes me doubt myself. Am I doing enough? No, but why do I feel not good enough in the first place? How can I start my own podcast and really hone in on giving my business a voice? And what is my business again? Can somebody tell me, please? 

Evidently, we rely on the environment to give us answers to who we are. How to become successful with a 3-step formula etc... like if it was so easy when your belief system literally wants to protect you from too much change, maybe from your own happiness too... but it's the process that matters the most. Sure, I would enjoy the money a successful online business and podcasts bring very much! But can I go through the process of making it happen in any other way than I already have? Which is - nothing? I've not even started.

I'm shy...says my whiny voice. Could I really make money talking about myself and my POV in front of the camera? says the always-mistrustful voice. How? It's the confidence part... we'll get to that. As Marie Forleo says, "If your focus is on you, it's always bad news. If you focus on the people you serve instead, you get out of your head, into your heart."

I know I can only access my answers if I come back to self-love.

The solution for me is always loving myself more despite whatever the world is throwing at me. Being shy, broke, not good enough, rejected, chasing the wrong people, or feeling old - it had not even occurred to me until I gave myself the challenge of hanging out with much younger men than I was used to. I started looking in the mirror more analytically, noticing every wrinkle. Could I stand up to a 25-year-old beauty pageant version of me? No. Because I have my own kinda beauty now. I live right here right now, having a 36-year-old body with the mind of a 300-year-old and an ageless soul. When I come back to loving my uniqueness, this age comparison disappears too. Good, as it's fucking ridiculous!

When it comes to relationships, a small voice inside of me whispers that it's time to open a new chapter. To date to marry, not to fuck around, and thus take my time with recruiting. Means no sex till I could bear that the man could become a father to our child. That's a big responsibility of mine, but it feels like the only job I'd like to do. Not yet to have children, but to prepare the right nest for them in 4-6 years, starting now. I never thought I'd like to have children at 40, but better to consider that now than when it's too late. 

I'm a writer; I can write my next era into life. I used to do that, and many of the half-fabricated stories came true. 

But I'm scared. The next chapter requires all the amount of consistency, accountability, and, therefore, a commitment that I never had.

If you want something you never had, you must do something you never did.

- anon