Pussy awake and body on fire #attachmentstyles

Funnily, we just had the firemen arrive at the Queenstown hostel where I'm staying! Looool, too much fire in my vagina...?

Thankfully, it was a false alarm.

Recently, I jotted down: 

I’m sitting by the water, and I’m awake; my pussy is awake, my spine feels awake and aligned, my heart is open, and I’m smiling, my head filled with bliss… This is my idea of Tantra.
I haven’t touched myself today, but I feel well-fuckd. Nature and life lived on my terms do this to me.

I am opening my heart to more pleasure… nothing will be as bad as this past year spent in the underworld of a grey sin city. I feel so myself, wild and free in nature; I can’t imagine my life without it.

I know I am unconventional. But it is not true that I am avoidant or commitment-phobe. The more I think about it, the more I know this narrative is outdated, if not false. Fears and overthinking make us avoidantly or anxiously attached. I’m done. I wanna be present and daring. I know I need to wear my independence as a badge of honor, and I feel I can be interdependent with another independent person, too. I am choosing a secure and committed people now. Even as a single woman, I can have lovers, and they better be secure.
Some people will never be ready for picture-perfect love or sure about their commitments before they make them, but we must try, and fake it till we make it.

As a former avoidant, I am tired of people coming close and then pushing me away. I can finally taste the same medicine. Yuck. I now admire my ex from 3 years ago who put up with my hot and cold for 5 months. I no longer blame him for calling it quits when I said I couldn't commit and then ran back to him a week later! Imagine that... I also have compassion for that version of me whose worth was nil, and her nervous system felt constantly under threat. 

These pushes and pulls get old. Is it wrong that I got bored? Of men who still oscillate between 'I want you' and 'I'm not too sure'. Just decide, damn. Insecure men are actually too predictable. They trigger anxiety in me. It’s no fun. I recognized my emerging anxious attachment and got bored, not sad, but bored. Once I can guess their reaction before they prove it, I wanna laugh. I can find fun elsewhere. Avoidants with their predictable 'come close, go away' reactions and weak boundaries don’t interest me anymore.

I understand, we're all scared, and yet, I can choose differently.

How can I constantly monitor what to say so I don't seem too much too soon and not scare the other person off without getting drained? 

I texted I was excited to see him, and immediately after sending it, I suspected I would be canceled 😂.

Funny, not so funny.

The truth is, the thought of him - his caring masculine checkups on me, consistent emotional honesty, and hairy fit body - it does make my pussy tingle. An animalistic desire I haven’t felt for a while rose up. 

I am horny af, and I don’t wanna jump on just anybody.
My sexual experiences in November were a bit tasteless. Before that, sex with M. was satisfactory but not as much as in Mexico. Trust was missing.
My Australian former boss, then my client, then a beautiful friend might turn up soon. 

He has a secure attachment, is attractive, I trust him, feel comfortable about who I am around him, and I know he’ll treat me right, so I’m open to anything.
We were intimate before but never went all the way. Even though we talked about a Tantric sex session (with the textbook on the side lol), we both chickened out.
He's planning to come to see me after Christmas as a friend who missed me and faithfully kept in touch for 5 years. Now that's hot! However, we will probably stick to a friendship, and I appreciate that. 

It is still hard to imagine sharing myself with somebody habitually and long-term. Haha, I believe they call it Relationship. Like, is it even possible to synchronize with a man? And if not, can we live together, apart, alongside, with and without, but always in harmony? I think that being autonomous, sleeping in different bedrooms, and having regular time apart is, in fact, a chemistry savior.
Maybe many relationships fail because people try too hard to be together 24/7. There’s a delicate line between 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and then not seeing each other at all, of course. 
I like to get physical, and I need cuddles. I should imagine that long-distance relationships are harder than hanging out often. I'd like to try the latter, for a change. 

Meanwhile, the ever-present and unconditionally accepting and loving God gotta do it for me.

I don’t find many attractive men in New Zealand. But I also kinda like that. In Holland, I liked every other man passing me by. That could get very exhausting living there!
I could live in NZ in peace and focus on my shit.

It will find me in time. 

I can feel him sometimes.

Shay from Rising Woman writes:

Ultimately both avoidant and anxious attachment have the same core fear:

I will be abandoned, unloved, left alone to die (this is not literal death, but on a survival level this is where the nervous system can go.)

Both styles have similar fears, but different ways of coping. And yes, this dynamic can heal with time, patience and a whole lot of willingness.

Healing requires both partners step outside of themselves and do the opposite of their conditioned response.

For the avoidant, that’s to practice using their voice, taking up space, and learning how to stay with the energy even as it’s rising.

For anxious that’s to let their foot off the gas and give some space, to take ownership for their emotional reality and practice self-soothing.

Becoming securely attached in relationship is possible when we're willing to do the inner-work and practice new ways of being.