Once you know, you cannot unknow
25.12.2023
What a perfect Christmas Day. Two years ago, on this day, I split up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and now, heartbroken over somebody else, sitting here I am. Me, myself, and I.
He knew, and he was right - I kept losing myself in the fantasy, and unbeknownst to me, I wanted more than he'd ever like to deliver.
The direct rejection came with a lot of shame and anger - I did it again; I gave him yet another chance to use me so he could realize once again - She's not the kinda woman I'd like to date. I'm attracted to her, this sexy friend of mine, but she's not the one.
Yet the second punch two days later came with... a relief.
What a perfect Christmas Day. Two years ago, on this day, I split up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and now, heartbroken over somebody else, sitting here I am. Me, myself, and I.
Thank God, I realize that the greatest wisdom comes from all the big and small brokenhearted stories. I also remember that the pain never lasts. I'm not sure which category this heartbreak falls into, but I'm happy to be here, writing about it.
I don't usually celebrate the holidays except for the New Year. I've been in movement-rumination all day. I know that even heavy emotions deserve my full presence, so I'm not drinking them down. (I just binged on a lot of semi-healthy food, but we will not discuss that. Self-destructive tendencies haven't quite left me entirely.)
So he was right.
I don't usually celebrate the holidays except for the New Year. I've been in movement-rumination all day. I know that even heavy emotions deserve my full presence, so I'm not drinking them down. (I just binged on a lot of semi-healthy food, but we will not discuss that. Self-destructive tendencies haven't quite left me entirely.)
So he was right.
Two days ago, he announced: I still see this as a friendship.
At that moment, I was deep in my dreamy world where friendships and romances collided, where friends who cared about one another also had sex, and where somebody always on the line with me was all I could ever wish for. In my world, the virtual sexy times felt real enough and perfect for a couple of anxious avoidants to engage in while keeping a safe distance.
I read it black on white: Yeah, I don't wanna date you...
It downed on me - How predictable. He pulled me closer, got what he wanted, then pushed me away. Again. Anger and my own patheticness aroused.
A punch in the stomach #1 was obvious - Rejection. Even though, at that time, I was too unaware of my real feelings and too afraid to look under the lid, I felt the yuckiness get under my skin.
What made you think I'd wanna date you anyway? You're not even my type.
At that moment, I was deep in my dreamy world where friendships and romances collided, where friends who cared about one another also had sex, and where somebody always on the line with me was all I could ever wish for. In my world, the virtual sexy times felt real enough and perfect for a couple of anxious avoidants to engage in while keeping a safe distance.
I read it black on white: Yeah, I don't wanna date you...
It downed on me - How predictable. He pulled me closer, got what he wanted, then pushed me away. Again. Anger and my own patheticness aroused.
A punch in the stomach #1 was obvious - Rejection. Even though, at that time, I was too unaware of my real feelings and too afraid to look under the lid, I felt the yuckiness get under my skin.
What made you think I'd wanna date you anyway? You're not even my type.
Childish, I know. When triggered, woman's inner Khali is designed to kill. Mine certainly wanted to do so.
Sure, all my past lovers were blonde Nordic types, but while it doesn't mean anything, I was accustomed to choosing this type of man for me somehow. Despite that, I felt an inexplicable attraction toward this dark-haired man.
Sure, all my past lovers were blonde Nordic types, but while it doesn't mean anything, I was accustomed to choosing this type of man for me somehow. Despite that, I felt an inexplicable attraction toward this dark-haired man.
It wasn't until today, two days afterward, in my Theta healing session with myself.... that I uncovered the real deal. Is it true that I never considered dating him? Wasn't I planning to sleep with him at the conference in February? Didn't I lose myself in the fantasies of us meeting each other more often?
A punch in the stomach #2 - A part of me must have been in love with him, and I hoped we'd date in a different world. Boom.
A punch in the stomach #2 - A part of me must have been in love with him, and I hoped we'd date in a different world. Boom.
He knew, and he was right - I kept losing myself in the fantasy, and unbeknownst to me, I wanted more than he'd ever like to deliver.
The direct rejection came with a lot of shame and anger - I did it again; I gave him yet another chance to use me so he could realize once again - She's not the kinda woman I'd like to date. I'm attracted to her, this sexy friend of mine, but she's not the one.
Yet the second punch two days later came with... a relief.
Gone was the shame and anger. I was finally honest with myself. And the truth shall set you free.
If I caught feelings for him, it meant I was not made of stone. Yet, I fell in love with an illusion; He is colder than I thought, and we could never work out if only for the logistics.
Now I must come down to earth and focus on real things.
Frankly, I can fall for any bloke that will give me attention for a consistent amount of time, make me cum, say all the right things to create an emotional connection, and even if my fantasies would never become true, just the belief that he might be desiring the same would get me off. However, he did not let me bask in that delusion. He told me, plain and clear, brutally honest, and I can translate it into: If you ever thought of us ending up together, it's time to wake up. I know my boundaries suck, but your heightened sexuality does not help. YOU should have kept it in your pants. I'm just a boy, and boys do what boys do.
And because he's a boy, I care. It feels like it's my duty, a woman's duty, to care about the children in this world. It means caring about the well-being of every one of us.
The whole day, I've been fighting not to text him. I'm holding off for two reasons- 1. He is sick in the head and needs to heal, and 2. Nothing good can come out of this communication anymore. We'd fall into the same pattern again. Lessons learned.
The only obsessive question I had in my mind last night, which ceased today, was - Why didn't he wanna date me? But now I can see that the answer wouldn't help unveil anything about me.
The proud lioness within... it's tough being one. However, I'm simple. I just wanna be loved, be dateable, and not make mistakes anymore.
It's been rather emotional, so this is the time to send myself some love and compassion. I've got me.
This boy has warned me many, many times since September.
Then he'd fuck me virtually.
And because he's a boy, I care. It feels like it's my duty, a woman's duty, to care about the children in this world. It means caring about the well-being of every one of us.
The whole day, I've been fighting not to text him. I'm holding off for two reasons- 1. He is sick in the head and needs to heal, and 2. Nothing good can come out of this communication anymore. We'd fall into the same pattern again. Lessons learned.
The only obsessive question I had in my mind last night, which ceased today, was - Why didn't he wanna date me? But now I can see that the answer wouldn't help unveil anything about me.
The proud lioness within... it's tough being one. However, I'm simple. I just wanna be loved, be dateable, and not make mistakes anymore.
It's been rather emotional, so this is the time to send myself some love and compassion. I've got me.
This boy has warned me many, many times since September.
Then he'd fuck me virtually.
Can I report him somewhere, please?
He expressed he wanted to be upfront. That's appreciated, if only it was upfront - it was late.
Initially, I said I was afraid to get attached, a classic anxious-avoidant trait.
Instead, next time with another man, I'll say Hey-ya, I actually wanna get attached. I wanna create something secure and lasting. You up for it?
Then watch to see his reaction... if he'll run, good.
Otherwise, if I tell him I'm a dreamer and don't wanna get attached... what's the poor guy gonna do? Get into my pants and leave. As he should, based on what I just told him!
I made many mistakes during this experiment and certainly during the handling of this rejection. Still, the biggest fuck up was that I didn't end it the first time I realized I could fall for him despite him not being ready, noticing RED FLAGS, and even suggesting to him we'd be better of as friends.
He expressed he wanted to be upfront. That's appreciated, if only it was upfront - it was late.
Initially, I said I was afraid to get attached, a classic anxious-avoidant trait.
Instead, next time with another man, I'll say Hey-ya, I actually wanna get attached. I wanna create something secure and lasting. You up for it?
Then watch to see his reaction... if he'll run, good.
Otherwise, if I tell him I'm a dreamer and don't wanna get attached... what's the poor guy gonna do? Get into my pants and leave. As he should, based on what I just told him!
I made many mistakes during this experiment and certainly during the handling of this rejection. Still, the biggest fuck up was that I didn't end it the first time I realized I could fall for him despite him not being ready, noticing RED FLAGS, and even suggesting to him we'd be better of as friends.
Why do women always want to turn red flags into pretty little trees?
Hmmm, avoidant, you say? Perhaps I can help you heal!
Constantly changing my mind about dating somebody has been the biggest nightmare of my life. How can I ever be sure if someone is right for me and then not fuck it up? But I didn't even know what I wanted when we met.
What if I try to be truly straightforward with people the next time, probably in 2025?
What if I try to be truly straightforward with people the next time, probably in 2025?
Hey, I'm here to date. What about you?
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