Making love to the devil we know

I'm inspired to write! I hope this is going to be gooood......

It draws on a very vulnerable, honest conversation with a male, a book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, Dr. Kelly Brogan's post (again) on Existential Kink - Why it Hurts so Good, my own explorations, an e-mail I got earlier from high-performance coaches and Tedx speakers on developing emotional mastery, and the Orphan spirit card I pulled out (again).

I wanted to escape myself .... work, wine, masturbation, you name it, but I stayed. I sat with my feelings, understood them, and realized they were not the reality. The reality I am creating is on the other side of this experience. The way I will choose to deal with this will be the way I'll deal with the rest of my life.

Are we addicted to the devil we know? The pain that is so familiar?

I agreeeeeee!!!! 

Not only do humans oscillate between running away from pain and toward pleasure, but we actually love both ends of the spectrum for a good while!

How long we can handle each - pain or pleasure - depends on individual factors such as personality, childhood, previous experience, and romantic and sexual aspirations. 

I planned on more joy until I learned I could do with pain; it's so deliciously intense.

I came while imagining an emotionally charged experience in front of my eyes that I know would leave me in pieces if that ever happened in real life. Fully clothed, not touching myself, just standing by my newly found portable speaker (yay, reconnected!). 

The amount of arousal I felt right after dancing while readjusting some things at home and producing these erotic images in my mind shocked me. In that scenario in my head, I knew very well the man was unavailable, avoidant, and ready to run for his life the moment the deed was over... Why is he so scared, you ask? That is his business.

In my head, we were first kissing, slowly, then passionately, then crazy making love. The swelling in my genitals, the tickling energy, fire moving into my belly, hardening my nipples, and quickening my heartbeat until familiar electricity shot from the pussy up the spine, spreading across my chest, arms, and head. Fresh blood flooded my face, and I knew it was it... What the fuck. Just standing there...

The punchline continues.

I shook my head and thought - Wow, I love making love to the devil, don't I...? It's dangerous, it's fleeting, it's electrifying like nothing else... When was the last time I made love to God?

Ah, when my slate was clean from all these crushes, and I masturbated slowly and just for the Divine to see. That type of lovemaking feels safe and never-ending, and it gives valley-like soft orgasms that make you feel joy for days afterward... Whereas the devil leaves only pain behind. Sex with God is still my favorite kind.

However, it is intimidating if you invite God into lovemaking with another person. Hearts must be involved, and not all men are brave enough to go the distance. They fear. They fear losing their strength, wit, power, rationality... they don't think they can set it aside and pick it up after the act of love is done - yet still stay, not run away.

I was them.

Why else would we go for Devil when we can go for God instead?

I understand the need for thrill, immediate gratification, quick fixes to all our problems, and sexually charged romances that go nowhere, so sweet. 

I wondered if those were still true for me.

I wanted to distract myself from brooding over the wrong lover, and I thought, why not go to the supermarket and get a bottle of wine?

I can procrastinate even with that, so meanwhile I opened the said e-mail...

"When adversity strikes in the form of a difficult situation or some bad news, how do you handle it? And more importantly, how can you deal with it better?" - Brendon Burchard

Right, sobriety it is. The devil nearly got me there. 

So it dawns on me we go for the devil not just because he's our escape from pain (haha, he IS pain!), but because we cannot handle God - the promise of harmony, love, vital health, joy, and everything we want... we don't believe we can have it. If we feel unworthy, then the devil seems more affordable. Sight...

So there it is. The men I choose are a glaring reflection of my own unavailability. I vowed to heal it this year. I must get back into alignment and walk my talk to attract who I really am. Starting over with a clean slate, and happy as I know what I've been doing and why. I can see the signs (red flags) everywhere. Colette Baron Reid says they're not just pretty little decorations, and she's right.

Use distractions wisely, and stop to refocus ASAP. Like me, I re-read my list every time I lose track of who I am and what I need from this life. The list is so long by now!

Another good news is I'm trying to remember who Mr. M. is... M... M., who? 🤔