Love and sex won't feed you forever

I want a man who can lead me - us - towards what we want in life. Is that wrong?

I have a whole list of qualities I'm looking for in the other person, but I could reduce it all to this one thing: A real man who knows what he wants and leads us toward it.

This year, I realized that great chemistry and sex alone no longer work for me. I need more. I need direction, protection, and safety. Love is an elusive feeling, and I haven't quite explored it this year with any of my crushes. But with M. there was a glimpse of loving feelings. I just didn't allow myself to heal all the blocks against them.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
-Rumi

There was a glimpse of love in Feb/March and in the past week, too. I had probably fallen for him eight months before while in Mexico, and I nearly fell for him again days ago in Amsterdam. But I always knew it wouldn't have been wise to act on these feelings. Wow, I had five mini heartbreaks this year, two of which were with the same person! 

I liked this latest 'breakup' the most. Suddenly, I decided I needed space to get back on track. But I stayed an extra night because packing up while he was at work and taking the night bus to Prague before he'd get back in, well, it seemed very immature. I am no longer that runaway girl; I don't wanna be known as such, so I'm stepping up to face my fears and have those uncomfortable conversations rather than ghosting. (Well, I could have returned the favor!)
No, I am better than that. I booked an expensive flight for the following morning. Why? Despite sensing that him and I would procrastinate together, I needed one last Tantric hug.

I didn't communicate that I found our union unsafe, unproductive and playing house very, very, scary... But the latter he might have understood. I just said I needed to go back to work. Free rent is always nice, and less work too, but I like money.
So as always, we were at it like two rabbits. The longing we both felt in the months apart had to culminate in mad sex. After 3 days, I could hardly walk. Going back to work night shifts after those intense sleepless nights was rather challenging.

Did I mean to reconnect with him on the basis of crazy sex? Not at all.

Friendship, yes. We trust each other's energy, but I still can't trust his direction in life, his word, his loyalty, and since he has no deeper intentions with me, the attractiveness of the connection was diminishing. Sooo... without safety and masculine providing of support, even financial, the sex would eventually wear off and become a chore for me.

That same night back at work, I got my confirmation that M. and I are on different paths and at very different life stages. In between talking with very interesting customers and texting with M., I got my resolutions. M. has no clue what he intends to do with me (other than have sex), and it might be because of his age, his past trauma of loss, or his present situation (a kid), I don't know. The most important thing is that, finally, I know what I want.

No regrets, no remorse, no anger, only forgiveness, compassion, and great memories. We have a special bond, and I can't guarantee that I wouldn't sleep with him again if I saw him right this second, but I know that it shall fade away. 
Because focused masculinity is more of a turn-on, than an unfocused and indecisive man unable to take care of his woman.
There. The chapter (finally) closed with more clarity, some kinda love, and sincere forgiveness than ever before.