Hello, Goodbye - Is single the answer? Or #polyamory #ENM

Oh, so you’re imagining laying on my bed, huh? Who invited you? 

But then I calmed down because I was also imagining him in my bed. It’s nice that he prefers to come to me, or not? Why doesn't he invite me virtually into his bed? At least now we both know we like sleeping alone. Isn’t that wonderful? 

This could be really good or super bad… Of course, I’m imagining the latter.

Feeling the pit left inside after M., I have nothing noble to say about men anymore, if I ever had. They lie. They lie to get you to bed, and even more so you sleep with them freely and preferably unprotected… Wtf…. How is one not supposed to get traumatized after a lie blows up? So naive, blind, deaf… Was it my karma because I didn’t divulge my past, either? Although, in February, I genuinely thought I wouldn’t be coming back to that dungeon. Yes, I had to, and for my own self-preservation, I started tweaking work sometime in May, but it was still a painful transitioning process to settle in my new conviction, probably in August. He played a ghost the whole time (because he was afraid to tell me about his kid 🙉 he conceived just weeks before meeting me!), so I did it for me.
I am proud of myself.

Thank God for R’s masculine healing, too, indeed. 

About polyamory and ethical non-monogamy (ENM) - 

It still haunts me… we didn’t have these terms in the past, but now we do, and people still betray each other. So what is that about? People still hurt even when they're brutally honest with one another. I have at least two examples from each category.
THE BIG LIE where we’ll be happier when everybody is fucking everybody, freely and openly. 

I am confused, why can’t one person be enough?
Some people cannot even find one; they would kill for One. Many people have been intermittently single all their lives, never risking to open their hearts to anyone, let alone 'the right few'. 

And now we're supposed to be fucking everybody to eventually fuck our way through to enlightenment somewhere at the bottom?

J. is finally divorced, and he tells me about other women he managed to date since. Good for him. This is us separate again. I was never made special. If we somehow got together again, would we end up being in ENM because poor J. spent 20 years of his life in an unhappy marriage?

I refuse to be a masochist to keep up with modern trends.

He has done nothing for me to deserve that kinda candy shop!

I'm only wondering... Do we want to sleep with others to avoid getting disappointed by the familiar monotony with the primary partner? Or to avoid getting attached, not be the one who gets abandoned first, or is it just a fun sport?

Now that I had my first phone-sex orgasm... I'm good. I'm like, I might never see you IRL, but whatever...

Single is fine.

And that's my coping mechanism. Hello, Goodbye. It was nice to meet you, and now leave me alone.

No trauma here, except that I don't trust any man, expect them to lie, and want to cheat on them before they cheat on me; A completely non-ethical approach here.

I remember that after sleeping with M., I lost interest. Immediately. But he took me by the hand and said - "Let's go get some food", and all was so normal afterward that I somehow got sucked in. Hell yeah, you can feed me anytime... and you also wanna drive me? And take me to places? I guess that could work for a while!

Ugh, I hope you enjoyed this random blog post 😅😇