Saving myself over, and over again.

The truth is, I've been feeling really sad lately, and it's quite hard for me to create.

I know that in this state, I'm just as useful as a wet, dirty cloth (feel free to let me know a better analogy). Right now, I'm not even useful to myself as my affirmations do fuck all. I know I can't manifest from this low frequency I'm vibing on, and I'm definitely not useful to others. I can't lead if I need a leader. Someone or something to lead me out of this misery. My split personality is whispering - you should be able to lead yourself out of this!

And the child in me screams - but I can't!!!! I can't, I can't, I can't. 

It's the kind of misery where even the teenager in me knows that no amount of calories or wine will help us. (Yet she still tries to defy it occasionally). I don't drink as much as before because.... repetition is the mother of mastery. To repeat something that has never worked in the past would be insane, and that's, fortunately, still something that eludes me.

I was also 3 weeks on antibiotics. That action in itself made me feel like a failure... why haven't I tried sound therapy, extended water fasting, or somewhat summoned God to help me instead? I couldn't. The low energy and depression had been creeping in way before the tick got me and the medication started. But now, given that my gut microbiome is fucked, and the gut communicates with the brain, dictates my behavior, and induces emotions,  I'm feeling even lower. 

I can't seem to be willing to share much on social media. I resort to elaborating on a post much less frequently than before. I want to share, I just have imposter syndrome and personal private fears, and I feel a lot safer practicing sharing here.

It's a weird ovulation day. And my day off finally. I feel empty. Do I just need to be filled with a conscious cock that would penetrate the depths of my heart too?

Hmmm... Just saying that makes me feel freaky and perhaps even intimidated... Very weird ovulation day. Am I horny, hungry, or hangry?

But I think this is it. This is the root of the issue... I'm actually angry at existing so perpetually alone. Alone without a man to help me make my life easier and share myself with him. There.

Always alone, and frequently lonely.

I wouldn't even know where to begin sharing my life with a man. Like, sleeping together in one bed every night? Waking up to our morning breaths?

Needing to switch on my smart brain immediately?

What if I need to take a shit? Do I need to leave the room and find something in the lobby all the time?

I bought expensive bizz software and some coaching alongside it... and of course, that was the day I started doubting myself, my business, my ideas, my passions and experience so far, my English, everything... I can't even log in.

No wise takeaway from this post, but if this is of any benefit to you - know that writing this post, venting, and having it publically available for reading saves my life.