I'm creating a healthy, mature, and loving relationship
I walked across the Charles Bridge just before midnight. At first, I wandered around Prague's Castle, it's such a beautiful part of the city, I love Mala Strana! The bird's eye view from the castle's walls is breathtaking. And that's also where last week I contemplated whether to go to see a guy on his last night in the town.
Mixed feelings washed over me. I do understand myself and where I'm coming from by now, so I know that any sadness that was also in the mishmash of emotions, along with excitement and others, had nothing to do with him, his life, etc., at all. It had everything to do with being reminded of what I was missing. The fleeting connection reminded me of love and the deep longing to be held and witnessed by one person, one man, for a long, long time to come. It doesn't matter if I won't see this lover again. He was a messenger. In the mixed bag of emotions dwelled loneliness which I didn't allow myself to tap into, well, since February. I think that the romance in Mexico only solidified it and pushed it back into the 13th chamber of my subconscious mind.
"You do not deserve a healthy, mature, emotionally secure, trustworthy, and mutually loving relationship." the broken record started playing again... It made me sad, it really did. Am I destined to stay alone? Attract only immature men with dormant masculinity or married/taken men? Is having casual sex or inspiring as a liberated 'erotic muse' enough for me? I hate that label already. It's all fantasy, a game, and I decided to play along a while ago. Is there something real out there? How much more disillusionment do I need to experience before I break through?
Be the change you wish to see in the world...
Inevitably, I recalled my last three relationships, and it sickened me. I had been a dick in the first one and got betrayed; I had no trust in the second one, so I couldn't commit; and well, I chose a totally incompatible, much older, yet immature man in 2021. I had a few cute short flings in between and since, where I had still been a dick, got betrayed, chose immature men, couldn't trust, couldn't commit, or got stuck with the charming married ones. Damn, why are romances so complicated?*
The lesson -> Gotta start with a clean slate, gurrrl! Let all that shit go, believe in love, and start simplifying your life!
Mixed feelings washed over me. I do understand myself and where I'm coming from by now, so I know that any sadness that was also in the mishmash of emotions, along with excitement and others, had nothing to do with him, his life, etc., at all. It had everything to do with being reminded of what I was missing. The fleeting connection reminded me of love and the deep longing to be held and witnessed by one person, one man, for a long, long time to come. It doesn't matter if I won't see this lover again. He was a messenger. In the mixed bag of emotions dwelled loneliness which I didn't allow myself to tap into, well, since February. I think that the romance in Mexico only solidified it and pushed it back into the 13th chamber of my subconscious mind.
"You do not deserve a healthy, mature, emotionally secure, trustworthy, and mutually loving relationship." the broken record started playing again... It made me sad, it really did. Am I destined to stay alone? Attract only immature men with dormant masculinity or married/taken men? Is having casual sex or inspiring as a liberated 'erotic muse' enough for me? I hate that label already. It's all fantasy, a game, and I decided to play along a while ago. Is there something real out there? How much more disillusionment do I need to experience before I break through?
Be the change you wish to see in the world...
If I stay in this underworld I hid into, I'll go fukin' crazy. Ehm, it's too late.
So I proceeded onto the bridge and made a wish. It is believed that if you touch the golden pieces on a couple of the statues there (if you're walking from Mala Strana, they're on the left) and make a wish, it will come true.
I can attest that when I was wishing to pass my state exams and graduate in 2016, heal my breakup, and cure my infection in 2018, it all worked out. Today, just minutes before July 1st, 2023, I wished for owning a couple of houses and one flat. I knew that I had to make the wish outrageous to take the edge off! Having a base right now is a top priority for me. Next, when touching Jan Nepomucky and the Cross, I wished to meet a true love, who'll help me realize my dreams, and I'll help realize his.
So I proceeded onto the bridge and made a wish. It is believed that if you touch the golden pieces on a couple of the statues there (if you're walking from Mala Strana, they're on the left) and make a wish, it will come true.
I can attest that when I was wishing to pass my state exams and graduate in 2016, heal my breakup, and cure my infection in 2018, it all worked out. Today, just minutes before July 1st, 2023, I wished for owning a couple of houses and one flat. I knew that I had to make the wish outrageous to take the edge off! Having a base right now is a top priority for me. Next, when touching Jan Nepomucky and the Cross, I wished to meet a true love, who'll help me realize my dreams, and I'll help realize his.
Inevitably, I recalled my last three relationships, and it sickened me. I had been a dick in the first one and got betrayed; I had no trust in the second one, so I couldn't commit; and well, I chose a totally incompatible, much older, yet immature man in 2021. I had a few cute short flings in between and since, where I had still been a dick, got betrayed, chose immature men, couldn't trust, couldn't commit, or got stuck with the charming married ones. Damn, why are romances so complicated?*
The lesson -> Gotta start with a clean slate, gurrrl! Let all that shit go, believe in love, and start simplifying your life!
*The answer is probably the same for all of us: fear conditioning in rejection and abandonment and picking up on transgenerational traumas. Will elaborate on this in my next post.
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