Healing sexual trauma by saying NO, then YES

I could not have returned to teaching Tantra before I mastered healing my own sexual trauma. 

Frankly, I've held onto everything. All the wrath from my mother and her lineage, female castration of the masculine, my father's shame, the collective consciousness of guilt that turns people into sexual pervs, and my self-betrayals when it came to sex, to top it all off... 

I abused myself over and over again.

When it was clear that my body had shut down, I started asking:

Do I have to consent to sex whenever I take kissing too far?

Do I need to have sex to receive 'benefits' from the masculine?

Those questions haunted me and also brought on the most profound revelations.

I pondered several times if, and I hate ifs, I hadn't been starved for love and intimacy before I met M. in Mexico, I would have gone all the way with him at all. 

It wasn't 'too soon' to have sex with him; it was too late to try to make up for all the intimacy avoidance I kept punishing myself with all my life. I was starved for a simple fondness like that, and even though my body wasn't ready to receive him, my heart was. 

Perhaps what was going through my head was - If we only rubbed each other off and did not have intercourse, I'd get a quick fix and not call him the next day. Because the gratification came in the form of free coupling, I thought - Well, maybe it means something; I must like him. Of course, my musings were not reciprocated. 

So I'm doing things differently now.

I take my time with myself. I don't refer only to foreplays with him.

It's okay to be a conscious sexual being, be playful and have sex with a handsome stranger if I'm in the mood, but it's even more imperative NOT TO if my whole body doesn't scream 'YES'!

I began to play with sensuality and softness again. In the Tantric way, I consented to circulate my own sexual fire first, get acquainted with his spirit, and feel into what I actually wanna do.

In other words, I took a break from intercourse to heal all the painful energetic imprints of the past still stuck in my womb to make some space. It literally felt so cluttered there that my pussy had a hard time opening up and accommodating a male penis in the past couple of months. All my trauma started to resurface in my mind first, then my body followed. Muscle aches, inflammation, bacteria, and vaginal shutdown. The message was clear - I could not keep betraying my body anymore.

And during my break, I learned to truly RECEIVE.

After a period of 'NO's, my body started to feel better, my self-trust renewed, and my vagina relaxed. The clutter cleared, and it felt spacious and welcoming again... like Hey, now we want a healing period of 'YES's back...

As I said before, we can sit down to talk about sexual healing, do therapy and somatic bodywork, or deny our biological and physical needs altogether and embrace celibacy for a while, it all works in the beginning, and it is an essential first step! But the actual transformation happens amidst the act itself. When you decide that you are ready to have sex again, you heal through intercourse with the help of your lover; whether he knows what you're doing (alchemizing and transmuting 😀) or he doesn't have a clue, you still heal.

I'd be delighted to guide you and hold you through this sexual healing journey!

xxx