Embodied love and attachment styles in dating

Inspired by personal events, the book I'm reading, an e-mail about anxious attachment, and Kelly Brogan's interview, I'm recognizing how: I am a predisposed anxious-avoidant, real love is still a mystery to me, and "Polarity can be a war, or it can be a Sacred Union."

And we have to start with ourselves and our bodies. How much conflict do we hold in? Can we be both man and woman in one little body and create peace with our opposing longings? E.g., I wanna be independent but also surrender; I hate them, but I also love them; I want them close and push them away. Or, I can't do this; it's too soon/dangerous/out of control/out of the ordinary/unsafe. They're too good for me, or they're not good enough.

The sacred union should hold a safe space for all of these fears and expressions.

During my self-pleasure practice, a thought crossed my mind... Maybe I am polyamorous... and if I finally surrender to that, maybe my life will be easier. I'd date somebody open-minded and let go of control; he'd let me have other partners if I wanted to, and he would either devotionally serve me or have a lover on the side whom I'd get on well with brilliantly. We'd support each other, magnify the joy among us three, or four, or more, and live happily ever after.

While I was energetically making love to the Universe, it all seemed like the most logical destiny for me. Perhaps my little adventurous life left some clues... I fear commitments, monogamy seems to be a modern construct, relationships avoid me, and maybe I'm just flawed beyond repair. As long as he'll be kind, like-minded, and keep showing up for me, I won't feel the need to tie him down. 

Did you know there is a meridian line going up from the cervix to the heart? Yes. So my heart chakra started receiving massive waves of pleasure. At that energetic stimuli, I discovered that what I was omitting from the equation was LOVE. 

As I climaxed, I knew that 1) I was kidding myself. 2) Am I afraid of love?

Does love exist? Real love between two humans?
It's fine to keep making love to God. But is there a human flesh that can make me feel human love?

The more I get to know the character of Mystery in the book The Game, the more I can feel him. Unlike the other pick-up artists, he grew up with an abusive father and an emotionally unavailable mother. I can relate. My parents were both and somehow alternated between those two crimes. How are you supposed to make noble assumptions about love after that? To know what Love really is?

You grow up, get into spirituality, or religion, all the same in this example, and everybody tells you that you can source love from within - Just love yourself, give love to yourself first and foremost, source it from the divine, find God within, you are God... so you power through because all that advice makes sense. If you, or the God within, won't give yourself love, who else will?

But there are times when you cannot feel even that divine love... many of us have been there. The dark, godless pit. Then you have to keep on telling yourself that it is still there, somewhere buried deep within under the feelings of abandonment, rejection, hurt, betrayal, and other yuck.

If you climb out of the pit yourself, and many of us do, you'll probably convince yourself that you don't need anyone's love. Nobody is coming to save you, and in fact, you didn't need their love or help in the first place.

That last part became so natural for most of my life. Like, yeah, I can love myself better than anyone can love me anyway. 

If the ones with secure and healthy attachments in childhood look to replicate parental love, they probably find it. Unfortunately, those of us who developed either anxious or avoidant attachment styles in childhood either desperately run around to source love from others but push our partners away in the process, or we come to a conclusion that love does not exist, and who cares - we didn't ask for it in the first place. Then we avoid, avoid and avoid... further pain. Because the cost of trusting someone to love us is too high.

My attachment style is both anxious and avoidant, and therefore, it's labeled as disorganized.

I had convinced myself on numerous occasions that I didn't need love from anybody. I got independent, promiscuous for power and fun too, and visualized myself living alone in a hut on top of a mountain with a dog to keep me company. All became true. Suddenly, out of boredom and curiosity, I started to entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe, somebody out there could love me fiercely, exactly the way I needed.

It's normal to think:
But what if I'll fuck it up? It feels like I've been doing just that. What if I'll push the right person away with my anxiousness? What if I misinterpret the right man's courting with my avoidance? Should I do the Rising Woman's online course???

It's good to ask these questions. But curiosity about what more is possible for us should always win! 

We should find somebody who can handle all sides of us and trust that we can call ourselves out on our bullshit.

I must trust that he won't pick at the open wounds and trigger my nervous system into temper tantrums... a supportive partner. They do exist.

And if there'll be tantrums, traumas floating up the surface, and joint grief, I wanna trust that we can heal and pick up the pieces together.

As the quote says: I'm at the age where my reaction to dating is: "Are we doing this or not... Because I've got things to do."

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