Delusional or Disillusioned

On some days, I just want to create; focus on myself, get answers from god, and not consume other people's stuff, read their opinions, or, for that matter, heal or coach them directly. I want to create material that WILL HELP heal some people, but it won't shout it into the world overtly. 

On some days, I wanna hide in my own way. 

I got antibiotics for Borrelia, and it feels a little disappointing. Did I give in in the face of all the scarecrows, sad stories about Lyme, and the cases that didn't self-heal, or was I genuinely incapable of self-healing, it was only getting worse behind the scenes of my immune system, and therefore, antibiotics were the smarter choice?

I don't know. But when no visible progress was made, the headache started, UTI appeared, the bull's eye enlarged, I gave up. Now I gotta be extra mindful of my psyche, take probiotics and omega 3, or I'll start thinking suicidal like I did 5 years ago. Or 3. The first one was definitely physiologically induced after a mysterious infection; the latter was break-up induced.

I had an interesting phone call today with a friend of mine from the UK. He, too, felt rather suicidal after his relationship ended. In his case, the connection thawed because she cheated. If you read my previous post, you know that I don't consider all people who have sex with someone other than their primary partner cheaters.

It's not the extramarital sex per se that should bother us, it's the lies that make it hard to forgive.

Honest communication about sexual preferences UPFRONT would prevent millions of breakups.

But it's not always the betrayal of cheating or different sex drives that break romantic connections. It wasn't so in my case 3 years ago. It was the external circumstances of that era and our anxious-avoidant dance getting too difficult for both.

If you get validation from your partner staying faithful, ask yourself if that is enough to feel enough.

There'll always be something that will push your buttons if you don't feel enough already.

Of course, I'd like a faithful partner too, but somehow, I believe that monogamy is a very elusive concept and probably not possible for more than a few years. Maybe I'm totally delusional, but it's like I anticipate that one day, we won't be able to fulfill all our partner's sexual needs.

But as long as we love each other, what if getting help from a professional escort, a stripper, or whatnot, would bring the spark back?

It's just sex, their sex, your sex, not like you're lending a third party your head and your heart! All three equally important, though. Settle on your current priorities...

I guess the better word is - Disillusioned.